Saturday, July 9, 2011

April was a great month...

...and I'm hoping July can be just as great. Looking back through my posts I saw a little spurt in April where I posted more often than I usually do. Then in May and June I posted ONCE each month. I'll let you in on a secret... when I'm happy- I blog, when I'm not happy- I don't blog:/.

I have natural tendencies toward depression. There's a good chance it is genetic as there is quite a bit of depression in my family, but whatever makes it happen, it's something I battle with on a regular basis. Knowing it may be genetic actually really helps me in being able to accept that this is part of who I am. It gives me courage in figuring out what steps to take to live my life to the fullest, anyways. I know that I can be happy, it's just a matter of keeping myself out of ruts, ruts like the one I experienced over much of May and June.
I have found a main culprit in the depressive ruts I have experienced in the past year. Alcohol. Alcohol drags me down into a depression. I mean it makes sense, it is a depressant afterall, but the effects remain long after the buzz is gone. It seems that after a night of drinking I am down the entire next day, and then for some reason I feel an urge to drink that night, and the next night and the next. It is an awful vicious cycle that I have one hell of a time breaking. Then finally I look around at the house and want to cry because I feel so overwhelmed at all the housework I have gotten behind on, because of feeling depressed and not wanting to do anything. That feeling usually lasts for a few days, until something in me snaps and I say "enough!"

Thankfully, I have had my "enough" moment, once again. Today has been a far more pleasant day than the days we've had recently. I feel proud of what I have accomplished today. I don't feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I feel capable and strong and in charge of myself and my feelings. It was hard to write this, because society makes us feel as though having these feelings makes us weak, and I hate appearing weak. There is something freeing about admitting these things, though, and if anything I will have this post to refer back to when I feel myself slipping back into a rut. I will have this post to remind myself of how good things can be and how I am in control of my life, I just have to take control of it.

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