Matilda is here!

We'll start with the stats before I get into the details:).
Her full name is Matilda Elizabeth Lynn Koch.
She weighed 8 pounds and 1 3/4 ounce and was 19 inches long.
She arrived at 12:23 PM today, August 6th, 2012.

I came in to the hospital this morning at 7:00 AM for a scheduled induction. I had been having lots of contractions over the last week or two, so I started out this morning at 5cm, although the baby wasn't down as far as she had been last week. Because of the dates Michael was allowed to take for his leave from Korea, he has to return in a few days. That was why I elected to be induced, so that Michael wouldn't miss the birth. It's definitely a long way away from the unmedicated homebirth I had originally hoped for, but it really did go well, overall.

I was started on a very low dosage of pitocin about half an hour after being admitted. It was slowly increased and my body responded very quickly. The first few hours were very manageable. I totally expected to use pain medication because of how much more severe pitocin contractions can be, so when things started to get difficult I went ahead and asked for morphine. I had morphine with McKaleigh, so I felt comfortable using it again. The nurse checked me to report to the OB in order to get orders and I had progressed to 7cm. He ordered a very low dose of morphine for me, so low that it hardly even took the edge off. It helped me relax between contractions a little more, but the actual contractions were not any more tolerable. I started going through transition and finally experienced what most women describe transition as when going without pain medication. I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to handle it for awhile and told the nurse I was going to need something stronger for the pain. I even asked for an epidural! The nurse checked me again and I was fully dilated. She told me at that point an epidural probably wouldn't do a whole lot for me, but she would call the OB and see what they could do.

He walked in a few minutes later and said "the nurse told me you were either going to get an epidural or push this baby out, so I think it's time to push the baby out." As much as I hated to hear this because I felt like I couldn't handle anymore, I am really glad that he followed my initial wishes of not getting an epidural. I do have to say that I did not like the position I pushed in. I was flat on my back and it was way more difficult than I think it had to be, but at that point I was really emotionally fragile and in no mood to fight about it. Thankfully it didn't take long, in spite of the poor positioning and in about 5 or 6 sets of contractions she was here.

I'm still having trouble believing that I had a pitocin induced birth, practically without pain meds. It was extremely intense, but I am really happy with how things went, and am so glad that Michael has gotten to meet his newest daughter before returning to Korea.

Nursing has been going really well. She latched right away and nurses well with each feeding. We'll hopefully get out of here at the 24 hour mark. It doesn't sound like they are going to try to keep us any longer than that. I think that about covers it. We're happily resting now:).

Week 1, Task 1: Write out your life vision

Week 1: Organize Your Mind & Life Vision

Regular text is from the book "Organize Now!" by Jennifer Ford Berry. My responses are italicized, and set in the future tense, when the girls are all school-aged.

Write out your vision for your life. Answer these questions to help you find inspiration. If you could do anything...

Where would you live?

If I could live anywhere, it would probably be near a big city on one of the coasts. I want to live in a decent sized town/city where I have everything nearby and can spend as little time as possible in a car! I want to be able to walk or take a quick bus or bike ride everywhere.  I'm guessing this would probably be a college town.

How would you earn an income?

I would be a family/marriage therapist in a practice where I would mostly be my own boss.

What would your days look like?

I would get up at sunrise and do yoga every morning, followed by a morning run. Then I would come home and get ready for the day, and have breakfast with my family. After taking everyone to school I would head to work to start seeing clients. I would meet my husband for lunch on most days. I would finish up at work in time to get home and prep a family meal for after the girls have finished with any extra-curriculars. Then we would clean up after the meal, do some quick chores and spend the rest of the night finishing up homework and just spending time together.

What would you do for fun?

For fun I would participate in races and other running events on the weekends. As a family we would go on little trips to local places, like state parks to go hiking or swimming.

What would you do more of?

I would spend more time outside, more playing with my daughters, more reading and writing, more yoga and exercise.

What would you do less of?

I would spend less time watching TV, less playing on the internet, less procrastinating!

"Organize Now!"

I just bought the book "Organize Now! A week-by-week guide to simplify your space and your life!" by Jennifer Ford Berry.

I looked at a couple different books on this topic, and for some reason this one stuck out to me the most, so I decided to go ahead and get it.

From the reviews I've read you can either go straight through the book, or you can skip around to the areas that you need the most help in and it won't make a difference. I think that was one thing I liked about it, being able to make it really fit into what I need it to be. I'm going to start in order at first, but then if I come to a section that doesn't feel all that applicable to me, I'll probably start skipping around to the areas I want to work on.

The reason I'm blogging about this book is that each week has goals and questions for you to answer. I was considering buying a journal to do all of the entries in, but then I though, why not blog all of my entries? This first post is pretty much so that I can link all of my future posts here, so if someone comes across my blog and this book interests them, they'll easily be able to get to my other posts about it.

I want this blog to serve as a sort of self help place for me, where I write about the things I'm doing to help keep my depression under control. Clutter and chaos contribute to my depression a lot. When things start to get out of control it almost instantly throws me into a deeper depression. When I organize a room or even just part of a room, I feel so much better, almost rejuvenated. I feel that if I can really get into organizing and staying on top of it, then I can drastically decrease the times I spend being deeply depressed.

Over the next year I'm sure I will have weeks or even whole months where I don't update about this, because we have so many changes coming up. My hope is that I can still come back to this little project when all of the dust settles each time we have a change, because I do think organizing and simplifying will help me a lot.

Week 1, Task 1: Write out your life vision

Things Have Improved

*Sigh* just reading my last post totally stressed me out! Things are getting much, much better. There are still some things causing me some stress, but I'm handling it much better and it's not quite so overwhelming. I started my second internship on time and it has been great. I really feel like I am learning so much. I've been doing really well in the class part of my internship, as well as the counseling class I am taking. I absolutely love my counseling class... love it! It's funny because through my internship I feel like I could really see myself working in gerontology, but then through my counseling class I'm drawn even more to the position of family and marriage therapist.

Therapy was my original goal when starting this degree program. Of course this would just be the first stepping stone to that career, or really any career, since I'm definitely going to need my bachelors and for many jobs, including therapy, will need a masters. So I have a lot of schooling ahead of me! In my last post I said I would be taking a long break from school, but this semester has been going so well that I think I will start up classes again as soon as we're settled at our new duty station.

Speaking of new duty stations, Michael has re-enlisted and we will be moving to Europe at the beginning of next year! Most likely Germany, but he was only able to specify "Europe" in his re-enlistment contract. His new ETS date is past his halfway to retirement point, so I guess we are in this for the long haul! Also, he will *hopefully* be here for Matilda's birth. He has submitted his leave packet and so far everything looks good, it just has to be made official. There has been a lot of stress surrounding that whole situation, but I'm just trying to relax and not stress out about it and we will just take action as it all unfolds.

I'm going to be 35 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So only another month of being pregnant, give or take a week or two. If Matilda comes as early as Adelaide did, then I will have a baby this month! I'm hoping she hangs on until August though because I think it'd be fun for their birthdays to be the first weeks of August, September, and October, lol.

Alright, this post is sort of all over and just a random update post, so I'll wrap it up here before I go on about too many more topics;).

I feel like I'm falling apart

School just kills me. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me! When I first started I was fully participating, getting nearly 100% on everything, always turning everything in on time. Now I consistently turn things in late, barely eke out the minimum required participation, and even skip over some assignments entirely. For my government class we are supposed to do an essay every other week. I have yet to do a single one of them. I will honestly be lucky if I even pass this class at all. I will be happy with a D! When I do turn things in I get A's, so it's not like the work is too hard for me. I'm just awful at prioritizing my time and making the most of the time I have. I put everything off until the last minute and then am completely overwhelmed by everything I have to do.

Once again I'm coming up on needing to start another internship. I'm supposed to start in less than two weeks and I don't even have a meeting set up with anyone about establishing something! I have to do this internship next term, because if I don't then I will have to do it after the baby is here and I really don't want to do that, so that means I'll probably put off completing my internship for another year or so until I'm ready to put my youngest in any sort of regular daycare.

This past week I have legitimately been busy, with appointments and putting in a lot of extra hours with my internship to make up for not doing as much earlier on. So then when I get home I want to relax and not do anything, but there is so much I NEED to do! And I keep putting it all off.

I'm ready to be done with this year. It's nice to think about when this will all be over. In August I'll be done with my pregnancy and with my internships. I'll have one class left after that and then in October I will be completely done with my associates. Then no more school for a long time! And a few months after that Michael will come back from Korea and we will move to where ever we are going to next. I miss living with my husband so much. There is nothing that can take the place of the support he gives me, it makes this year really hard. After a rough day there's nothing I want more than to cuddle up with my husband. I love the girls' cuddles, but it's just not the same, lol.

I don't know how to make things better. It doesn't feel like anything I try really works.

Exercising My Way to Happiness

A few weeks ago I started a membership at the local rec center and I'm loving it so far! I've been going anywhere from three to five times a week, even with having an awful cold. I'm really proud of myself, but also really enjoying myself with the time spent there. Daycare is offered free with membership, so I only go during the daycare hours and the girls love it! McKaleigh actually hides when I come because she doesn't want to leave, lol. It's not so bad now that we've gone regularly for the last 2-3 weeks, so she realizes that we are going to come back and doesn't get as mad about leaving.

I've been going to a class on Monday and Wednesday, Monday is an aerobic interval class and Wednesday is a step class. They're with the same instructor and I really enjoy her classes. She doesn't care if I have to modify something because of being pregnant, and she also doesn't care if I show up late, which is big for me since I never know when the girls will throw a wrench in our getting ready routine! Then on Tuesday, Thursday, and/or  Friday I go work out in the nautilus room, usually spending most of my time on the recumbent bike or the elliptical, and then doing a little bit of work on the core and oblique machines and some exercises with (very light) hand weights.

It's so nice to be able to do my cardio at the rec. I was running on the treadmill here at the house, but it just kills my hips, so the low impact machines are awesome. Plus getting the girls out of the house a few days a week is good for them and for me.

Also, I've found that when I can't make it to the gym, I'm more likely to do a workout at home. It's like I feel guilty that I can't get to the gym, so I make sure to do something. I have an awesome pre-natal pilates workout that I like to do when I don't make it to the gym. I've also been practicing yoga pretty much daily! Working out so much gets my whole body pretty tight so it makes me just sort of crave a good yoga sequence. I use videos off of yogajournal.com, usually something by Jason Crandell, I love his sequences. I do an evening relaxation sequence almost every night before bed, and then a few mornings a week I'll do another sequence. I try to vary it up, which is why I love using yogajournal.com, because there are so many options!

I do have to say that I really really miss running. I can't wait to get back into running as soon as I've recovered post partum. The other day it was all crappy and rainy out and I still saw so many people out running, and I was jealous! I was thinking "I wish I was so dedicated to running that I would go out no matter the weather conditions." And the truth is, I think I am that dedicated, I crave a good run some days. I just am not physically able to run right now without being in severe pain afterwards. That makes me really sad, because there's something about running that I just don't get from all of the other workouts I'm doing. There's something about running a mile a little faster this week than you did last week. And then there's the feeling you get when you run a little farther than you've ever ran before.

Sometimes I wonder if I just did too much, too fast, and that's why it hurt my hips so badly. I'm tempted to go get some new running shoes and start Couch to 5k all over again. Perhaps the slower start will help reduce all the soreness I was feeling. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I will keep you updated :).

Thinking About Our Futures

Every so often I write a blog post, just to get stuff written down and get some ideas out in words. This is going to be one of those posts, so you may find it boring to read, but I find it therapeutic. Hope someone enjoys reading it though:).

Last year I started an associates degree in Human Services. I already had quite a few credits, so I was almost done with my first year when I started. I took a break around the time we moved, and with all of McKaleigh's medical problems, so that was about 2-3 months off. I've finished my first course since starting back and have started my first of two internships, along with another class. After this term I'll do my second internship and another class, and then after that 8 week term I will have one final class! So about 6 months from now I will be totally done with my associates degree (and I will have a 2 month old baby!)

After I finish, I will be taking a break to enjoy my new baby:). Michael will be done with his year in Korea a few months later, and I honestly have no clue what we will be doing then. We will have less than one year from that point until he can get out of the Army, but hopefully they will still move us to his next duty station. If not maybe he can just extend for a few months so that we can experience the Northeast for the year.

The bachelor's program I'm interested in is a direct continuation of the associates I'm doing right now, and they offer the whole program online. I'll be able to start pretty quickly after my break, probably after we get settled into a house in the new town.

One of our options involves Michael getting out of the Army, fall of next year. He would start school, using his G.I. bill. We would probably both have to work, alternating shifts as much as possible to try and avoid daycare costs. This would mean I'd have to start working, along with still working on my bachelor's degree, when baby Matilda is about one year old.

That's where option two comes in. I haven't worked since having McKaleigh, and really hardly worked since I've been married. I've enjoyed staying home with my girls and it's hard for me to imagine not staying home with Matilda. Thankfully Michael being in the military has provided us an income that has been steady enough to allow me to stay home. Part of me would really like for him to re-enlist for one more term, just long enough for me to finish my bachelor's degree and at least stay home until Matilda is ready for kindergarten.

The upside to this is that Michael would be able to do some of his school while on active duty and could use the Army's tuition assistance program. This is different than the G.I. Bill, so he could try to do as much as possible and then would have the G.I. Bill left to pursue more advanced degrees, since he will likely need a masters or doctorate for most of the careers he's interested in.

Part of me wants him to get out ASAP, just because I want to feel semi-settled somewhere for awhile. Also, if he re-enlists, by the time he's about to get out again he will likely be at his "halfway to retirement" point, and it will be hard to see him get out after investing so much time into a military career. He talks about getting out of the Army a lot though, so I don't want him to be unhappy with his job for the next 14 years, just for the sake of a retirement check. I also really like the idea of us settling down somewhere while the girls are still young. If we get past that "halfway to retirement" point and he ends up staying in the Army for the full 20 years, we won't settle down until the girls are teenagers. The year he could retire would likely be right before McKaleigh graduates from high school.

I guess that's really not so bad, if we can get our last duty station to be where we want to be settled, then McKaleigh could likely go to one high school for all 4 years, and all three girls would go to that same high school.

So much to think about. Writing this out really does help:). You'll get to see our decision making as it goes on!